Master of... absolutely nothing
So, here I am dusting off my keyboard and coming out of hiding that is so irregular that J.D Salinger is considering giving me a ring for tips. But why? Well quite frankly I’m bored. Bored of fighting off every creative impulse my brain has had over the past few months because I lacked motivation or couldn’t be bothered or that I felt I should prioritise different things. I could say that no-one told me life was going to be this way, but I’d be lying… F.R.I.E.N.D.S told me that. I’m just deeply in denial.
BUT I’ve gone back to my old University to try my hand in a Master’s degree. And let me tell you… I’m tired. My way of achieving anything effectively is to have some higher power telling me what to do and me bowing down and working through the night and any level of sanity to get a grade and potentially a pat on the back. But hey, it gets the job done and I can appear a lot more ‘high-functioning’ than normal.
Going back to your old uni though is a weird thing though, it should feel like you’re slipping back into the once most comfortable place on earth, coming back home. In a way it does, not going to lie when ever I get off the train I feel this wave of relief and familiarity, on the other hand, everyone there now looks like they are fresh out the womb and need parental supervision, and I’m stuck between the idea that I’m far too old or I too am indeed, a fetus.
It opens up a lot of questions that you don’t really want to ask yourself: Am I past it? Do I not have the knack for being a student anymore? How do I read????? Especially after taking a year out from any sort of education, you feel like you’ve already been given a knockback and you have to scramble together any remaining brain cells and pretend you know what your doing in your lectures.
This is what I’ve gathered so far a month into my course:
1) Commuting is an absolute nightmare. No matter what I do, no matter how early I get up or no matter how many positive affirmations I give myself that this journey will be a serene one. It never bloody is. Trains are always delayed or cancelled, leaving me stranded in the arse end of nowhere. Not only that, but logistically, my journey makes no sense. I need to get a bus and two trains. Where I live and where I go to Uni really isn’t that far away, around 25/30 miles away and on the map it’s just a straight horizontal line!!!!!!!!!!! But I have to travel further away to then go back on myself just to get where I need to be. Listen, I’m sure commuting has an odd seductive feel to it, especially when you have the ability to work whilst you travel, giving the idea of being a boss-ass bitch who’s getting shit done. But this isn’t London where it has a strange endearing quality attached to it, this is almost rural South England, and it’s not glamorous or empowering, it’s just sweaty, sets my nerves to a teetering edge and gives me a backache.
2) Let’s play a game, am I dumb? Or just tired? You tell me, this is uncharted territory for me, the course I’m doing is great… I think? I don’t know i’m not really sure what’s going on half the time, there’s a lot of talk of coding and web design and I’m just sat in the corner wondering when someone will throw out a filmmaking challenge. That may not happen and I may just fall into the world of becoming a designer because I’m too awkward to admit I am clueless. I’m likening the feeling I have at the moment of a cat chasing a laser pointer. I think I’m getting it, and I’m gonna catch up, and then it gets drawn away from me just as quick as i reach it. Maybe some dickhead giant is purposely screwing with me, just to see if I can jump up the wall. Meh, my brain is tired and it’s really trying.
3)Does everyone think I’m dumb? I know we are well beyond the stage of worrying waht people think about each other, it’s a pointless and hurtful thing and completely self-debilitating. However, I’m like Tinkerbell, if no-one claps (or in my case laughs) I will probably die. That’s what it feels like. Honestly, I told a joke in one of my lectures and everyone subsequently laughed, Lecturer included and I swear I felt like I’d sprouted some wings. But, the fact remains that I'm constantly worried that I do not have the respect of my creative peers, because the majority have been there and done that in Undergrad and I’m just a lowly filmmaker who is itching for the opportunity to talk about call sheets or casting or how great The Shining is. It’s like My Fair Lady but for Designers. I know it’s a massive stretch and definitely not an actual thing that’s happening, but I stress out if the wind changes direction so go figure.
4)Oh Christ this is so much money.
5)If someone could invent a Bernard’s watch type of gizmo I’ll be first in line because I literally do not have the time to do anything.
6)Most importantly- Am I doing the right thing here? Yes, Of course, going back to university is something I’ve wanted since I left in the first place. It’s been such a set goal in my head, something that admittedly has pulled me through the more rubbish days. I like the learning, I like the structure it gives me, I like having the opportunity to be able to study in the first place! So yeah, I think I’m okay, it’s just a lot and I’m tired and annoyed I got freshers flu despite the fact I haven’t been a fresher for four fucking years and I’m older now so I’m one step closer to the plague with every illness.